What Is a Side? Gay Sexual Roles Beyond Top and Bottom

A side is a gay man who enjoys sex without anal penetration. Sides don’t top and don’t bottom. Instead, they find pleasure in everything else: oral sex, mutual masturbation, grinding, kissing, touch, and more. It’s not a phase, a hang-up, or a warm-up to “real” sex. It’s simply another way of being sexual, and a lot more common than most people think.

If you’ve ever felt like the top/bottom binary didn’t quite fit you, this might be the word you were missing. Below, we’ll break down exactly what a side is, where the term came from, how it differs from other roles, and how to tell if it describes you.

What does “side” mean?

A side is someone who prefers sex without anal penetration, neither penetrating a partner (topping) nor being penetrated (bottoming). Sides still have full, satisfying sex lives. They just build them around acts other than anal: oral sex, frottage (body-to-body grinding), mutual masturbation, kissing, rimming, using toys externally, and any other form of erotic touch.

It’s worth being precise here: “side” is a sexual role, not a sexual position. Top, bottom, and versatile describe a preference around anal sex: who penetrates whom. Side describes a preference to skip anal altogether while still being fully sexually active. In other words, a side isn’t “less” of anything. It’s a different center of gravity for pleasure: pleasure without penetration.

Being a side is also distinct from being celibate, asexual, or “vanilla.” Sides want and enjoy sex. They simply express it differently from the dominant script most people assume all gay men follow.

Where did the term “side” come from?

The term was coined in 2013 by Dr. Joe Kort, a gay psychotherapist and sex therapist who identifies as a side himself. He noticed that many of his clients enjoyed rich sexual lives without anal sex, yet had no language for it, and often felt broken or “not gay enough” as a result. “Side” gave that experience a name.

For years the word lived mostly in therapy offices and niche articles. Then in May 2022, Grindr added “side” as an official role option alongside top, bottom, and versatile. Overnight, millions of users saw the term normalized inside the app they already used, and it spread quickly across TikTok, Reddit, and queer media.

The takeaway: sides have always existed. The word is what’s new. Putting a name to the experience is what let a scattered, often silent group of men recognize themselves, and each other.

Sides vs tops, bottoms, and vers

Here’s how the four roles compare at a glance:

The key difference: tops, bottoms, and vers all organize their sex lives around anal in some form. Sides organize theirs around everything else. None of these roles is more “real,” more masculine, or more valid than another. They’re just different maps to the same destination.

Roles can also shift over time, and plenty of people don’t fit neatly into one box. Someone might be a side for a season of their life, or a side with some partners and versatile with others. Labels are tools for communication, not cages.

What do sides actually do in bed?

Everything except anal, and that’s a bigger menu than people expect. Common ways sides connect include:

• Oral sex, giving and receiving

• Frottage, meaning rubbing bodies and genitals together, sometimes called “dry humping” or grinding

• Mutual masturbation, solo or hands-on with a partner

• Kissing, touch, and full-body sensation play

• Rimming and external stimulation

• Toys used externally, plus temperature, pressure, and sensory play

Research consistently shows that penetration is far from the only route to intense pleasure or orgasm. For sides, removing anal from the equation isn’t a limitation. It often means more attention goes to everything else. Sex becomes about the whole body rather than a single act.

Is being a side normal?

Yes. Completely. If you’re a side, there is nothing wrong with you, nothing to fix, and nothing you’re failing at.

A lot of gay men carry quiet shame here, because pop culture and porn treat anal as the defining gay sexual act. If it doesn’t appeal to you, or is uncomfortable, painful, or just not your thing, it’s easy to feel like you’re doing it wrong. You’re not. You’re simply a side, and there are far more of you than the mainstream story admits. Many men only discover the word after years of assuming something was off with them, and describe real relief at finally having language for who they already were.

Anal sex is one option among many. Choosing not to make it the center of your sex life is a valid, healthy, ordinary way to be a gay man.

How do I know if I’m a side?

There’s no test that decides this for you. Only you can. But a few signs point toward “side” if they ring true more often than not:

• Anal sex doesn’t especially appeal to you, in either role

• You feel most turned on by oral, grinding, touch, or mutual masturbation

• You’ve felt pressure to top or bottom to “count” as having real sex

• You have great sex without penetration ever entering the picture

• The word “side” gave you a quiet flicker of oh, that’s me

If several of these land, you may well be a side. And if you’re still figuring it out, that’s completely fine too. Identity is something you get to explore at your own pace, not something you have to declare today.

FAQ

Is a side the same as being asexual?

No. Asexual people generally experience little or no sexual attraction. Sides feel full sexual desire and enjoy sex. They just prefer it without anal penetration.

Can two sides date each other?

Absolutely. Two sides can have deeply compatible, satisfying sex lives together, built around the acts they both enjoy. Many sides specifically look for other sides.

Do sides ever have anal sex?

Some do occasionally; most rarely or never. Being a side is about your general preference, not a strict rule. Preferences can also change over time.

Is being a side a new thing?

No. Men who prefer non-penetrative sex have always existed. Only the term is recent, coined in 2013 and popularized after Grindr adopted it in 2022.

How do I tell a partner I’m a side?

Be direct and matter-of-fact: let them know you enjoy sex without anal, and share what you do love. Framing it around pleasure rather than limits makes the conversation easy and hot.

Curious where you land? Take our Am I a Side? quiz, or read more on why not liking anal sex is completely normal and how sides compare to tops, bottoms, and vers.